Thursday, February 20, 2014

Lemons, Lyme, and More

I don't talk much about my health, or lack of, on this blog; but with so much change, I'm just writing whatever is on my mind-and my health is one of those things.

I have chronic neurological Lyme's disease, chronic vestibular migraines (which give me a great case of vertigo), thyroid disease (although that is the least of my problems), and fibromyalgia. I have some other things, but these are the biggies. These are the ones that cause a slew of symptoms that all intermingle so it is very hard to tell what is causing what some days.

Brain fog, migraines, vertigo, reading problems, concentration problems, depression, anxiety, joint pain at times, muscle pain, and fatigue are my companions. I'm trying to focus on getting better right now, but stress really triggers a lot of my symptoms. I'm looking into essential oils, but find a lot of differing opinions about ingesting them.

I want to get better though. My health has declined a lot with this move. There are days where I don't get really anything done. It makes me feel lazy. The thing with my health problems is that on the outside I look totally healthy; no one would ever guess I had these. Well, except for the days I wear my sunglasses inside places due to the lighting. That is what makes these things hard, the not looking sick; because I worry people sometimes think I'm making it up or acting worse than I am. That is common though with people that have the same health problems. We look normal on the outside, but the inside is a mess.

We got a new water heater today. Ours bit the dust and with 3 girls in the home, hot water and long showers are a norm. It has slowly been dying so the showers have gotten shorter and shorter. We got to where we were rationing the showers-the dirtiest got the shower first. One Sunday, my husband and I pulled the parent card so we could bathe before church.

So tomorrow after everyone goes to school, I'm taking about an hour long shower that is really hot (which will then probably render me useless for the rest of the day).

We also painted my middle daughter's room (okay, my husband did most of it) today. When I can get a picture of it, I'll post it-I know you will want to see it, mom. Just think about my bright, glowing pink bedroom, except in purple. I have to admit, the colors are really not pretty. I know, horrible mother since she picked them out. But I wanted to let her choose. Plus, purple is my least favorite color so it was a lose/lose situation. Anyways, she likes it so I guess that is all that matters. As long as I don't have to see it everyday :)

Mother. of. the. year!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


With so many unknowns, there are a lot of changes happening. One is obviously my blog. While I'm quite the pitiful blogger, I find myself coming back to it occasionally. I also find myself always changing it when I pull it back up. You would think that I would leave it alone, clinging to anything familiar.

But I find myself searching for ways to feel settled with all of the changes so, oddly, I find changing my blog therapeutic. I'm so unsettled that my blog never looks right to me. Also, I am craving simple, uncluttered things, and my blog always looks cluttered to me. I know; I'm an odd bird. How can someone feel cluttered in their mind just from a blog? Well, I just do. So if you notice your button gone or your blog link gone, it's not out of spite or dislike. It's out of the need for survival.

Dramatic? Yes. Somewhat serious? Yes.

Today, I officially clicked the link at my seminary to request a leave of absence. I need the space to breathe and think. I need to just be. I'm waiting for an email that will tell me the other steps to take to make it official. I have a feeling that it will become a permanent leave of absence.

So I totally feel like a drop out loser that just quit. And yet, in some ways, I know it's what I need to do. I find myself rocking back and forth between peace and torment over this decision. I find myself feeling hypocritical as a mom of 3 kids who would love to just quit school-and I tell them they can't while I just did. (and I'm typing this as my middle child is working on homework and saying "I'm never going to get this done.")

I did it. I went to that store and bought an iPhone case-without owning an iPhone. Who spends $40 on a case when they don't even have a phone to put in it? Really? And yes, I'm back in counseling with the infamous Tim (he does counseling by phone). Why do you ask?

Anyways, the case is really pretty. I guess it's my first step to conquering my extreme dislike and fear of technology, specifically smart phones and texting.

But then I read this post from one of my favorite bloggers, and I want to take the pretty little case back and keep my dumb phone-because I realize I'm not. the. only. one!

And then I realize that she seems way more normal than I am from what I can tell from her posts, and I assume her not having a smart phone is not due to the same ridiculous reasons as to why I don't have one-and I find myself back at square one which is clearly to work through my issues.

I would bet that she doesn't own a case with no phone just because it is pretty, or that she is trying to work through some crazed issues with smart phones and texting.

Anyways, It's clear that I probably need to stop writing now before I continue to try to dissect the whole smart phone/dumb phone debate. That's a problem that can't be solved in one post. And how sad that I will most likely bring it up again, because I really am trying to figure out my weirdness and come to terms with it-whatever that result may be.

Off to take my dizzy pills as typing and the lighting makes me feel like I'm on a little boat, then to watch hulu plus in bed, and hope to get better sleep than last night. 4 a.m. is way late, even for this total night owl.

And if there are typos and misspelled words-well, that's just my M.O. now with the dizzy lizzy migraines.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

This and That

I have a lot to say, but my brain is not exactly organized right now. It feels like a jumbled mess of thoughts that seem to make no sense. So, I thought I would start writing again by just writing my random thoughts down.

We have just recently passed our 2 year mark of living in the Dallas area. I wouldn't say that we love it yet, and it definitely doesn't feel like home. I would even be inclined to say that we still don't really even like it. I think we are getting better though.

All of our kids have struggled with the move; each in their own way. But all ways have required counseling. A lot of counseling.

Speaking of our kids, I just looked at the page that has their pictures. I guess it's time to update them. They have grown so much, being that they are almost 3 1/2 years older now. I'll get around to that in about another 3 years I'm guessing.

I owned the newest iPhone for about 16 hours. Then I started to almost break out in hives and have convulsions so I took it back and reactivated my little ol' flip phone. I texted (is that even a word?) about 3 times while I had it, and that was about all I could handle during those 16 hours. I know I'm an odd bird. It was a beautiful phone if a phone can be considered pretty. Part of me still wants it, because I found a really cute case to carry it in from one of my favorite stores. I thought about just buying the case and taping my flip phone to the inside of it. Told you-odd bird.

I applied to seminary, got in, have taken 1 1/2 classes and about to take a leave of absence, with it possibly becoming permanent. I have a lot of thinking to do about if I really want to be there. Maybe one day I will write about my experience, but for now that's all I'll say.

This move has blown up everything I have always thought. Not my foundational faith, but just how I looked at life and lived it out. It's hard to explain really, because it is not like I'm questioning everything I have ever stood for. It's just that I've been stripped of so many things that I feel like I'm basically rebuilding my life. When you are forced to do that, you can't help but double check your blueprint. Back home, I never really questioned much, especially what I thought God wanted me to do. Just read my "about" page-you will see that I always knew what I wanted to do. It never wavered-until I moved. Now, I don't know if God even wants me to do that or if I even want to do it anymore. For numerous reasons, I don't know if I want to be a part of that anymore. Like I said, maybe one day I will expand on what I mean-but only once I feel like I fully understand it myself.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Dinner is ready, and I have rambled enough for now. I'll ramble more later. Maybe writing about nothing will be good for me right now. And I'm not even checking spelling or grammar. Rebel!

Thursday, December 5, 2013

This Shell I've Become

My daughter says there is an insect that lays it's eggs inside a spider. When the eggs hatch, the spider is eaten from the inside out.

I feel like that spider; this being eaten from the inside out. I walk around feeling like a shell of a person, just going through the motions most days.

The shell is becoming so brittle and disfigured that I don't even recognize myself anymore. I look in the mirror, and I don't know who is staring back. I guess in some ways I look the same; but in so many ways, I look different.

Hopelessness and Depression show on your face you know. Smiles are less frequent; eyes are less vibrant, almost lifeless. There is a playfulness that is gone.

I read something the other day that I had written. I honestly don't even know that woman anymore. Surely, someone else wrote that.

Come to think of it, someone else did write it; someone with hope, purpose, a faith that was tested, but not shaken to the core.

This person that sits today and writes this; she's not that same person. She died about 2 years ago and many days, I don't think she will ever come back.

Sometimes change feels permanent.

I look in the mirror and I think about what I've become. The feelings are overwhelming. I can no longer decipher truth from lies.

Hopelessness is a constant companion. Unknown always stands right there and taunts me.

And Shame and Embarrassment show up everyday to mock me.

I'm ashamed and embarrassed of my life. If feels and looks so different, and I don't like it. I've lost so much, but the worst of it is the faith that has been shaken to the core; so much that at times I wonder if it's even there anymore.

I so badly want to grieve. I want Grief to show up and overpower the other feelings, but I don't feel like I can grieve, like somehow I don't deserve to grieve.

So Grief stays at bay while I drown in Shame, Embarrassment, Hopelessness, and the Unknown.

I know many others that have struggled much more than me. I just moved. That doesn't deserve Grief. I haven't earned the right to grieve. I haven't lost a loved one. I haven't watched my child struggle through cancer. My husband has a job. I have a house nicer than most in this world will ever see; and yet I don't like it. It just doesn't feel like home yet. Shame tells me that I'm a horrible, selfish person for not being thankful.

And so I don't grieve, because I don't feel like I can. My heart so badly wants to, but my head tells me I'm wrong.

Embarrassment stands there and whispers in my ear, "You are such a failure. You can't even handle a move. Others have lost so much more than you, and their faith still stands. In fact, that's their strength. You! You, on the other hand; your faith is almost lost in the rumble. You aren't even standing anymore. You are pathetic. If people only knew how far you have fallen into a pit, they would just shake their heads and whisper amongst themselves, 'She had such promise. I really thought God was going to use her. Look at her now.'"

This shell I've become; it's all I know now.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Today sucks. Yeah, I said sucks, but oh well. I don't really have another way to describe it. I'm frustrated beyonds words right now (well, apparently not too much or I wouldn't be typing, but you get the idea). And when I get really worked up, it gets my vertigo and migraines going. Fun times. That alone should stop me from getting worked up, but it doesn't. I guess I just like living on my yacht at times. That's what I call my vertigo, because it is the kind that feels like I'm rocking on a boat, and I figure it might as well be a yacht. But I'm totally not fond of the ocean or really any body of water so I hate being on my yacht. I guess I should just calm down. I'm trying. I tore apart my closet to try to calm down, but the vertigo was too much so I had to stop until later. No, I didn't tear it apart just because I'm frustrated. That would be bad and probably make the Other Nut not so happy. We are tearing it apart to make it into an office for me to study in, because I keep telling myself that one day I will apply to take some classes at DTS and maybe if teach and speak again. I'll probably just end up with a cute office to pile junk in, but the closet already has junk in it so why not make it cute.

I know some of why I'm frustrated-it's something that just won't go away, no matter how hard I try to make it go away. Really God? You can't just make this problem go away. I've tried to obey authority, respect wishes, blah, blah, blah-and yet, it's still there. Even moving didn't work. Man, what is it going to take?! Oh, you mean actually be mature about it and healthy about it? Yeah, you would have to throw that in. You always do don't you; be mature and healthy about things even when it hurts. UGH! But I don't want to be. I want to throw a temper tantrum and kick and scream. Oh wait. I did. Hence the vertigo and migraine. Maybe that is why I still struggle with vertigo-a reminder of me getting worked up about this stupid life and not resting in You.

Nice! I just heard one of my cats puke. I don't really like having them anymore if you get the idea. Maybe it's time they get some terminal illness.

I'm frustrated for other reasons as well, but of course, You know what they are. I don't get it God. Why am I here? Why does it seem like that everyone else is still doing what they love, and I'm not. Every where I look, someone seems to still be doing what they love. Well, really I'm mainly talking about teaching, speaking, and writing. It's annoying really.

The bottom line is I'm jealous. Yep, that's right. I'm jealous. I know it sounds pathetic, but it's true.It's not that I don't want them (no one in particular) to be successful. It's just that I still wanted to be doing it too. I've spent all year wondering why You took me out of it. I haven't figured it out yet really. But honestly, I probably haven't been asking the right questions or really listening. You do after all say that if I would seek You with all my heart, I would find You. And I guess with finding You, I would be closer to finding an answer.

I don't like this jealousy though, I can tell You that. It is consuming and choking. I spend so much time comparing myself to everyone else that seems to be doing what I want to do. I spend so much time feeling sorry for myself, because I'm not. And then I get nothing really done. It keeps me from just doing what You want me to do, regardless of what anyone else is doing. It keeps me from really hearing You, because I'm too busy watching what someone is doing. It really is quite captivating, but not in a good way.

I don't know. I guess I will ponder this and write more later. Kids are almost home, and we have tutoring to make it to. Hopefully, this day won't end with "it sucked."

Monday, February 18, 2013

Test Post

Well, since I really know very little about technology and blogging, I thought I would do a test post to make sure it really is blocked. I guess I started to realize that I know so little that people could still be reading, and I would have no idea. Like, if someone is signed up to receive posts through email, do they still get them?

Oh my, I hope not since my writing will definitely be more random train of thoughts sprinkled with a lot of frustrations and missed desires.

And yes, I was already asked why I just can't journal the old fashioned way-well, because I'm just not going to (which if you know me, you might find that a little backwards since I love all things old fashioned and vintage and really dislike technology as I type this on my laptop in a social media forum-yeah, I don't make much sense-just another reason to go to private setting).

Friday, February 15, 2013

Changing My Blog to Private

So, in a short while I will be changing my blog to a private setting (if that is what you call it).

Honestly, right now I just need a place to write down my thoughts, even if they are completely random and don't make much sense.

I just need to write, even if it is a raw, even if it is something that I would look back on later and wonder "why in the world did I write that?"

Basically, I just need to journal; me and God and no one else right now.

Yes, I could do that on paper in a cute little journal, but I type much faster than I write-and my thoughts and feelings are many.

So, if you try to find my blog and it is says, "I'm sorry, but you are not invited to read this blog," please know that it is not something you did or that I blocked you from reading and didn't extend an invitation.

I just need to write in private. For how long, I don't know.

Yeah, I know-my possible 1 reader is suddenly sad. (but you live with me and sleep in the same bed so you already know my random, crazy thoughts)  :)

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